


what have we become?

by callieincali



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Not A Happy Ending, Post S2, drunk call, maybe next time, read this if you think kady should have been there when julia got her shade back, wickoff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2018-11-16 13:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11254098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callieincali/pseuds/callieincali
Summary: post season 2 fic in which julia calls kady in a time of need





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> it's been like five fics since i've written a not happy ending so IT'S TIME. 
> 
> enjoy and hey, look, a good title? i am improving.

__Seven numbers lined the top of Julia's phone screen. Seven numbers that she should have deleted weeks ago. But standing alone, shivering in the middle of a dimly lit sidewalk, her body flushed with the relief that they were still there.

Julia blamed the bartender for her current situation. If he hadn't cut her off from shots early, she would have been able to focus on the correct path to her apartment, rather than the bubbling irritation towards the man. She wasn't even _that_ drunk. But she supposed there must have been enough alcohol coursing through her system; she was lost, after all.

She thought she could retrace her steps-- find her way back to the bar and start over-- but that method only pulled her farther into the depths of disorientation.

So, in typical drunk-fashion, she pulled out her phone and dialed a number that sober-Julia would never dare to type in. Still, her finger hovered between red and green, as if behind all her clouded judgment were cracks of logic and reasoning struggling to surface.

She forced herself to count to twenty because it sounded like some cliché way to fight off an addiction-- because that's what Kady was to her: an addiction. A lingering idea like a film over her mind, making it impossible to think anything without undertones of dark curls and green eyes.

She told herself if she still wanted to call Kady after twenty seconds, she could do it.

She made it to twelve before her finger pressed the green part of the glass.

 

* * *

 

Seven numbers lined the top of Kady's phone screen. Seven numbers that she should have blocked weeks ago. But lying awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering where she had gone so wrong in life, her body flushed with the relief that she hadn't.

Normally, thoughts of Julia would immediately anger Kady. Hating Julia came almost naturally to her after what they had gone through.

But the dislike was strictly superficial, because deep down, Kady knew there was a large part of her that would give anything to go back to the way things were just months ago. But that truth didn't provide her with the same filling emotions. Because being consumed with regrets and 'what if's' still filled the emptiness that Julia left in her wake when Kady had pushed her away.

Staring at the vibrating device in her hand, Kady let her finger hover above the green 'answer' button, wondering if the words that would follow could somehow provide a different plug for the void consuming her.

Julia hadn't called-- hadn't reached out in any way-- since seeing her in the library. And that realization only furthered her confusion as to why the short brunette would consider the middle of the night an appropriate time to reestablish communication.

She needed Kady's help. It was a reasoning that was blaring in the back of her thoughts, each repetition sinking her heart deeper and deeper.

Julia always needed help and Julia's problems weren't her problems anymore, she tried to convince herself. But despite that, Kady found a much greater portion of her mind claimed by decisions that would favor bringing brown hair and brown eyes back into her life.

The final ring of the call was approaching, leaving Kady with far less time to decide than she would have liked, but closing her eyes with a steadying breath, she pressed green and brought the phone to her ear.

The wind blowing into the speaker was the first noise she was met by, followed by uneven paced breathing that could only have been Julia's.

"Hello?" She desperately attempted to hold some of her anger behind the words, but the knotting of her stomach made it hard to interpret her tone as anything other than nervous.

"Kady?" Julia's voice was shaky and slurred, immediately worrying Kady enough to send her shooting upright in her bed. Her ears felt as if they were erupting in sparks, unable to contain their excitement after hearing a voice they had been longing to reconnect with for weeks. She kept quiet, merely because her mouth and her brain were failing to work together in a way that could form a sentence.

"Kady, I'm lost." She half-expected a 'without you' tacked onto the end, but when it didn't come, her eyebrows fell lower on her forehead.

"You're what?" Kady had heard it unmistakably, but she needed Julia to repeat it again-- to prove this wasn't all some big hallucination.

"Lost. I don't know where I am." The slur became far more obvious in her words, cluing Kady in to the true nature of the phone call.

Julia was drunk. And Kady was her go-to drunk-dial. Her shoulders hunched at the idea. A strong urge to hang up overtook her fingers but she refrained from acting on it.

"I was trying to walk home and I took some wrong turns and now it's dark and I can't see and--" Julia rambled, emotions muffling her voice even more. Emotions that didn't sound typical for someone who no longer had their shade. Kady cut her off anyway, already tired of the conversation.

"Where are you?" Stupid question. She tried again. "Do you see any street signs?"

The line fell silent for a moment, replacing the conversation with the previous sound of blowing wind.

"Yeah. Iona street." Kady wracked her brain for a connection to the name, and when none came, she could feel aggravation racing through her veins. Her eyes rolled automatically and she brought a hand to her forehead, rubbing at is as if the action would somehow help her find answers.

"Just-- stay there. I'll find you." She grumbled, pressing the 'end' button before Julia could say something to make her change her mind. As soon as the call ended, Kady's fists itched to punch a wall. Minutes before, she would have claimed that Julia meant nothing to her-- that the shorter brunette deserved nothing from her-- but there she was, agreeing to help a girl that she was supposed to hate.

She pulled herself from her bed's blankets and grabbed the nearest jacket (which happened to reside on the floor, probably unwashed, for the past few days), threading her arms through the sleeves.

Iona street. She clicked on the cell phone in her hand, opening the GPS app and typing in the unfamiliar name into the search bar. As soon as she pressed 'enter', a red pin fell onto a location, a pop-up fading in above it with the words '12 minutes away' spread across the space. A sigh of relief fell from her lips at the information.

And no more than fifteen minutes later, Kady was driving past a reflective green sign with "Iona Street" plastered across the center, eyes squinted to give her a better view of her surroundings.

Julia wasn't far past the street sign, sitting on the stairs of a building that looked like something between an apartment complex and a courthouse. Julia's head rested on her bent knees, exposed arms-- which really should have been covered in the cold weather-- wrapped around her legs in a tight ball, draped in dark, loose curls.

Kady's stomach twisted at the sight-- either in sympathy or anger-- but she pulled off to the side anyway, coasting forward for a few moments as she contemplated how to handle the situation.

She sure as hell had no intention of leaving her car.

Her hand found the center of the steering wheel and pressed against it until a loud honk resounded throughout the empty streets, startling the drunk girl into sitting up and looking around. Kady forced herself to not feel bad for scaring her.

When Julia's eyes found Kady's face, her jaw fell slightly, as if Kady coming was not something she expected to actually happen. She stood immediately, faltering momentarily as she gained her balance, but ultimately stumbled her way down the stairs to Kady's car.

Kady had the sudden urge to lock the door before Julia could get inside-- like cold feet wishing they had a few more minutes to warm up to the idea of seeing a girl that she had left on fairly unkind terms. But the desire never fully surfaced, her hand stopping just above the "lock" button.

Julia tugged open the door and climbed in, wasting no time to get comfortable in the car. The leather seats were probably a welcome change from the hunched-over position she had been in on the concrete stairs. Kady could feel herself staring-- taking in every detail of the girl, from her drooping eyes to the intense smell of alcohol lingering in her breath.

And when her mind finally made the connection that her gaze had been on Julia for a bit too long, she turned back to face the road and started forward again.

"Thank you for coming." Julia broke the silence only for it to be replaced by quiet once again. Kady wanted to reply-- she truly did-- but the only emotion she could bring herself to feel was irritation, and that was not how she wanted to start her reunion with Julia, no matter how much she thought the smaller girl deserved it.

"I got my shade back."

The confession felt like a blow to Kady's chest-- a punch to the gut that stole her breath and burned her cheeks red in an unplaceable emotion. But the first recognizable feeling that peeked through the mask of confusion was jealousy. Jealously pounded in her cheeks at the thought of someone else comforting Julia after she got her shade, when she knew for a fact that it should've been her. And the idea of Julia dealing with a flood of previously nonexistent emotions made Kady's white-knuckled grip on the wheel tighten, as if her strong grasp was the only thing stopping her from reaching out and doing _something_.

She should have stayed. She shouldn't have left-- shouldn't have run off like a toddler stomping to their room the moment things didn't go their way.

She added her absence to the overwhelmingly lengthy list of regrets that never seemed to leave the forefront of her mind.

"How?" It was all she managed to choke out past the mess of questions swirling through her head.

"She rewarded me for saving Her son." Kady assumed Julia was speaking of Our Lady Underground. A short silence rented the space before Julia broke it with a scoff and a shake of her head. "Shitty reward."

And the pieces of the puzzle finally clicked together in Kady's head, revealing to her the true nature of Julia's trip to the bar. She wasn't one to judge, being addicted to her own class of numbing substances, but that didn't stop the pit in her stomach from growing heavier. Again, the car succumbed to quiet, this time the air surrounding them filled with awkward tension, as if the pent up anger between the two girls was finally spilling from inside them. Kady opened her mouth, speaking the first syllable of what could have been a forced apology, but Julia was quick to cut her off.

"Y'know, after everything that happened-- all the shit I went through-- you abandoning me was the shittiest of it all." The words were almost too slurred to make out their meaning, but when they did start to make sense in Kady's head, she could feel the previous rage returning to her veins. And to think, moments before, she had been ready to apologize. She wanted to slap herself for almost forgiving Julia.

Kady's head hurt from the emotional whiplash she was experiencing. She unintentionally rolled her eyes, finding it hard to stop herself from pulling over and telling Julia to get out. But part of her knew it was just the alcohol talking-- that Julia would never soberly claim that Kady leaving her was the worst thing she had been through. Unless she was telling the truth. Kady forced herself to believe it was fabricated, because it hurt too much to think that her own choices had affected Julia so deeply.

She sighed a steadying breath as she collected her thoughts, searching for a rebuttal that would allow her to keep her composure.

"You dont get to blame me." Throwing her previous intentions to the wind, she let her true feelings crack through. Her eyes flicked between the road and the girl beside her, watching as Julia's face twisted in anger-masked sadness. Kady was more than familiar with the look, most likely because she found it in her own eyes on a more-than-daily basis. But even as she recognized the unhealthy coping mechanism, she found herself slipping farther into the faux fury. "You dragged me through _months_ of hunting down a god, only to let him go as soon as we were ready to kill him." Kady paused to steady her shaking voice. "I had the right to leave." She added, her grip somehow managing to grow tighter on the wheel.

"Yeah, well leaving is what you do best, isn't it?" Julia muttered, leaning her head against the window. It was a low blow, but not one that Kady didn't expect.

Still, Kady could feel anger spilling to the front of her eyes, pooling behind her eyelashes, but the tears never fell, leaving her wishing for a release to distract from the pent up anger inside her. She wanted to argue back to Julia, but the pit of guilt and knowledge of the shorter girl being right stopped her from thinking of a comeback.

She needed to punch something. Or shoot up. Or both.

The remainder of the car ride was spent in silence, eyes focused on the road in front of them. Kady still knew the way to Julia's house and she hated her memory for being unable to forget. Julia's apartment complex was only a few minutes from where she had found the drunk girl, but when she pulled off the the side of the road to let Julia out, she found the brunette's eyes to be closed; the side of her head leaned lazily against the window. A groan escaped her throat at the unlucky sight. Of course, Julia had managed to fall asleep in the short time they had been in the car. And of course, Kady would have to be the one to wake her up.

She didn't want to touch Julia. Because she knew if she touched her, it would send sparks through her hands in a way that she had longed for since the day she left, and she knew the desirous electricity would fail to leave her for days.

But she reached out despite that, flinching as her warm hands wrapped around cold skin, filling her own arms with chills. With a few quick shakes, Kady tugged her hand away and clenched her fist in an attempt to quell the shaking that had started inside it.

Julia stirred in her seat, eyes fluttering open in a way that sent something fluttering inside Kady's stomach. The shorter girl rubbed at her eyes, straightening as she took in her surroundings. Her eyes stopped when they landed on Kady.

And they held each other's stares for longer than Kady would have liked-- long enough to make Kady wish she had more to say. Julia must have felt the same, but nodded and turned away, pushing at the car door and stepping out.

Kady's mouth opened to stop her-- to say anything to not let their first reunion end worse than the last-- but ultimately clamped back down on her tongue, too afraid and untrusting of what words would choose to follow.

She watched until Julia found her way inside the building-- and until the door was fully closed-- before letting her head fall against the steering wheel with a pathetic groan.

She mumbled something to someone unbeknownst, asking for Julia to make it inside safely, and sped off, her hand still burning with the aftershocks of a familiar touch.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh, so this was probably unexpected. idk why i did this, i was just feelin a part 2 and here it is.
> 
> considering it has been 7 months since the first chapter, i would recommend a reread/skim of chapter one to refresh your memory but do you i guess. 
> 
> i tried to make this canon and tied it in to the beginning of s2 but just imagine this happening somewhere in that 2 month time jump, ok? ok thanks. 
> 
> enjoy!

It had been weeks since Julia drunk-dialed Kady and she still somehow felt hungover.

The memories had come back in short clips. Iona street. A blaring horn. The guilty anger etched onto Kady’s face. The conversation filtered brokenly into the memories, jumbled and out of order, but cohesive enough for Julia to experience the regret the words carried with them. And then there was the touch— Kady’s hand on her arm as she woke up— that rang clear as a bell. A moment of contentment, and for that moment, Julia was back to the way things were; falling asleep on her well-used couch, lost under a stack of books and papers and plates of cold pizza, and Kady was there, shaking her awake with a warm hand on her cold arm, wearing that same look of understanding concern.

And all was right for that short moment, until she looked around and remembered it wasn’t.

Because Kady wasn’t waking her to brush the messy, straying hair from her face and walk her back to their shared bed where she would get a much better night’s sleep. Not anymore. Now, Kady was only waking her because she wanted her out of the car— wanted her gone.

Staring into the mess of confusing emotions that had clouded Kady’s green eyes was the last she remembered before she woke up the next morning. On the couch.

Julia swore the touch lingered on her arm for days after it left, as if her body was somehow incomplete without it— as if she was so lonely that a few seconds of contact were enough to leave her craving for more. It was pathetic, really, but it was her reality, no matter how stupid she felt for living it.

Julia stayed home after that night, partially due to her inclination that the nearest bars probably had her face recognized as one to not let in, but mostly because she couldn’t stand to think history might repeat itself. So, she drank from the loneliness of her empty couch, staring at the cushion beside her where Kady used to sit and wrap an arm around Julia’s shoulder. Where the two spent hours researching everything and anything, grasping at straws of hope and laughing through conversations that weren’t funny, simply because anything could sound humorous after a full twenty-four hours of staying awake.

The more Julia drank, the less she remembered, and the less she remembered, the more she wished to sober up and remember again. Because, in all honesty, Julia couldn’t bring herself to find one bit of anger inside her towards Kady. Disappointment, sure. Guilt, definitely. But no matter how much whiskey she drank, the rage never came because deep down she justified every single one of Kady’s actions.

She didn’t blame Kady, even if her drunken words told other stories. Truthfully, she had forgiven Kady as soon as the girl had left, though it took her conscious mind a while to catch up with that subconscious decision.

Julia had been curled up in bed with an unopened bottle of bourbon tucked under her arm like a security blanket when her phone rang, some weeks after their last interaction.

And the noise itself was curious, considering Julia didn’t get phone calls. No one ever called her and she never called anyone. Sometimes she wondered why she kept a phone anymore, but an image of dark curls and green eyes always appeared to answer the question and silence it from her thoughts for a while.

Julia had half the mind to let the device go to voicemail, and she almost did until her eyes succumbed to their curiosity and stole a glance at the phone vibrating on her nightstand. The view from her peripheral vision was blurry and out of focus, but not enough to hinder Julia in noticing that the caller ID showed a name four letters long. Julia halfheartedly ran through a list of four-letter names in her contacts, already bolting upright at the possibility of it being one particular name that blared in her mind like an alarm.

She rubbed her tired eyes and let them focus on the screen until ‘Kady’ was clear and vivid across it.

And, again, she was back to months ago, when Kady would call to ask if Julia wanted anything from the store or just to let her know that she was on her way home because she somehow always knew when Julia was wondering. Back to when their phone calls ended with brief silences that spoke the ‘I love you’s’ the two of them were too jaded to say. Julia could never stop the smile that came when their conversations were reduced to variations of ‘okay’ and ‘alright’ that spoke far more than just confirmations to fill the dead air.

Now, Julia couldn’t find that smile— that happiness— and only found tears welling at the corners of her eyes as she read over the name. Once, twice, three times, because reading it let her cling to the memories.

It took four rings before Julia pulled herself from her thoughts and realized what was actually happening.

Kady was calling her. And that sent her eyebrows knitting close together, her head tilting in confusion.

She clicked the ‘answer’ button without hesitation, lifting the phone to her ear and hoping the pounding of her heart would ease as the seconds passed. She found no such luck as the beat quickened and rung in her ears dizzyingly.

Julia hadn’t taken the time to process the situation before reacting, and her brain struggled to play ‘catch-up’ as the other end of the line filled with the sound of the busy streets of New York.

Kady didn’t just call Julia anymore. And part of her was certain that Kady wouldn’t repeat the same ‘drunk-dial’ scenario Julia had weeks before.

But it was an hour before midnight, and Kady was far from sobriety, so she supposed anything was possible.

“Hello?” Kady was the one to speak first, her voice clear and steady. Julia knew Kady’s voice when she was drunk, and that was nothing close.

Julia opened her mouth, a million questions and words clouding her ability to find one that served as an adequate response. Her tongue felt dry, her throat dryer, and she was pretty sure she had forgotten how to speak at all. Kady had always had that effect on her.

“Julia.” Kady, again, undoubtedly sober.

Julia had long forgotten the fluttering that never failed to fill her gut at the sound of Kady saying her name. She wished the girl would say it again, so she could savor it for longer.

God, she really was pathetic.

“Kady?” Julia finally spoke, unsure how she made it through the two syllables without her voice breaking.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Kady paused to sigh, allowing Julia the time to grow even more confused. “Remember when I drove you home a few weeks ago?” Her tone was blunt, not an ounce of emotion to be found in the question.

“I— yeah,” Julia dragged out the last word, still struggling to place a reason to the strange phone call.

“Well, I’m at a hospital with no money to pay for a cab, and you owe me, so I’m going to need you to come pick me up.” This time, a layer of anger peeked through Kady’s voice, only enough to convince Julia of her reasoning.

But the anger wasn’t what Julia dwelled on. Because there were at least three new questions that bounced through her mind as the request sank in, all of which did nothing to help the ever-present pounding behind her ribs.

“Hospital? Are you okay?” Julia was already standing from her bed and pulling open the dresser across from her, rummaging through to find an outfit to change into.

“I’m fine. I’m texting you the address.”

The line went dead immediately after, ended with two low beeps signaling to Julia that Kady had hung up.

Julia pulled the phone from her ear, staring at the dimly lit screen with shock and anticipation until a notification appeared at the top of the device. She tapped on it hurriedly.

It was the first time she had opened the messages since Kady left. She refused to read through their old conversations because it felt useless and like a dumb cliche (not to mention, it scared the shit out of her to think the words she would find could have the ability to make her feel everything all over again and all at once).

And just as promised, the address of the hospital was written across a gray speech bubble, nothing more. Julia threw her phone to her bed, wasting no time to change into decent clothing and pull a pair of shoes onto her feet.

She retrieved her phone, already transferring the address into a GPS, and grabbed a coat on the way out of her apartment, her head still foggy and crowded with confusion.

 _And you owe me._ Julia shook her head as she remembered the phrase; as if Kady had to use debt as a tactic to convince Julia to come. Julia was almost certain that Kady could have simply texted the address and she would have been in her car without a second of consideration. Julia hated herself for being so easy.

The hospital was quite a drive from where Julia lived and every minute that passed felt like an hour, every red light like cruel torture. But the middle-of-nowhere building eventually came into view, bringing back the irremediable thumping of Julia’s heart.

She found Kady on a bench by the entrance, already staring at Julia’s car as if she recognized it from a mile away. She probably did.

Julia slowed to a halt in front of Kady, unable to pull her gaze from the girl as she stood from the bench and hobbled to the passenger side door, clutching her right side with the opposite hand.

Julia reached across the center console and pushed open the door for Kady, trying to rid her face of the worry that engulfed her further with every wince Kady made.

The curly-haired girl fell into the passenger seat with a groan that bled into an exhausted sigh. Julia watched in silence, wishing she could just reach out and do _something_.

“What the hell happened to you?” The inquiry came out coated in the worry Julia had so futilely attempted to suppress. Kady started to roll her eyes, arms crossing over her chest, but she stopped when her gaze landed on Julia’s concerned expression and allowed her features to soften.

“It’s nothing. I got stabbed during this thing,” Kady answered vaguely. Julia’s eyes widened in both unease and confusion, wondering if Kady knew she had contradicted herself in the response. The girl must have noticed Julia’s misunderstanding because she tacked on another statement that barely clarified the situation, but provided enough information for Julia to piece some of the parts together. “Penny.”

Julia’s gaze fell to where Kady’s hand held her side, the questions surrounding the injury still annoyingly loud at the front of her thoughts. She nodded despite the pit growing in her stomach, turning to the road and starting back down it.

The quiet burned and itched, practically begging to be broken; Julia bit her tongue until the words on her mind couldn’t be held back any longer.

“Is he doing okay?”

Kady seemed somewhat taken aback by the question, almost as if she thought Julia had no right to ask it. Her eyes squinted to mere slits before they slowly returned to their usual state.

“Mostly, yeah. He’s tough.” Kady looked away as she said it, like she was trying to convince herself of it more than just replying. The pit grew in Julia’s stomach, twisting and knotting at the realization that Penny’s illness was a direct result of her own decisions. And Kady’s current situation was a direct result of Penny’s illness.

It all traced back to Julia. And that hurt more than anything had hurt in a while.

She wanted to make it all right, but making things right only ever seemed to dig her further into the hole of guilt that she was already overwhelmingly deep in. She forced herself to believe there was nothing she could do.

“And are you— doing okay?” Julia stole a glance at Kady, who was still staring out the side window reflectively. The awkward tension was suffocating— a sensation she had never felt around Kady. The two had always had an instant connection and the realization of that bond being gone felt like a hot dagger to the chest.

If Kady felt the tension, she was much better at hiding it, letting out a casual sigh before speaking. “Besides being stabbed,” Kady shifted with a wince. “I’m good.” It sounded like a cop-out— like a defense mechanism to suppress the truth behind what the last two months of their separation had been like. Julia didn’t know if she wanted to hear that truth— didn’t know if she could stand to.

Julia nodded again because it was the only thing she could think to do, letting the car succumb to another uncomfortable silence that took far too long for Kady to break.

“What about you?” It sounded forced like Kady didn’t actually care, but Julia knew better than to believe that idea. Because Julia had known Kady long enough to know that the girl was practically an expert at hiding her true feelings. Julia wished she could take a page from Kady’s book, in that respect. “The last time I saw you, you were—“ Kady didn’t finish the sentence, and didn’t have to because Julia easily filled in the blank. The last time I saw you, you were so drunk you couldn’t remember where you lived.

“Yeah, I’m about the same,” she muttered it monotonously; had she spoken up the words may have stung a little more. But her intentions weren’t to guilt-trip Kady, so she settled on sounding like a pitiful mess.

More quiet followed. Kady nodded, probably because it wasn’t easy to conjure a reply to the type of answer Julia had given. Or she actually didn’t care about Julia’s wellbeing. Julia didn’t know if she would blame her for being so indifferent.

The silence reigned for longer than the previous gaps of conversation, allowing Julia the time to steal a few glances at the girl residing in her car, and allowing her the time to notice how tired Kady looked. Once more, she wondered what the past two months had been like for Kady and grew saddened and guilty all over again.

“Look, I know you hate me now, and that this offer probably means nothing to you, but if you ever need to talk to anyone—“ Julia’s voice trailed, refusing to finish the sentence, but the space was filled quickly by the sound of Kady scoffing.

“You think I hate you?”

Julia tore her eyes from their locked gaze on the road, searching Kady’s face for clarification. The girl’s tone had held a sense of irritation, but the target of that annoyance was near impossible for Julia to discern.

“Well,” Julia started, but only got as far as the first word before a lump rose in her throat, the beginnings of tears stinging the corner of her eyes threateningly. Kady laughed at the attempt, shaking her head and bringing her eyes to Julia’s.

“I tried hating you,” she muttered, her gaze wandering back to the side window. “And it didn’t work because I _can’t_ hate you.”

The explanation felt like a blow to the chest in the best and worst way possible. On one hand she had an answer— the answer she had always hoped for— to a question that lingered in her mind since the night Kady left her in that field (and only strengthened when she was met with eyes of fire and a tone of ice at the Brakebills South library). But her stomach churned at the idea of Kady being stuck in the same cycle of confusion she had found herself trapped in. Because she, too tried to hate Kady, and by the way her heart tugged at the mere sound of her voice, it was obvious her attempts were useless, too.

Julia opened her mouth, the beginnings of a response— “I don’t hate you either, I never could”— falling from her lips when Kady’s own voice interrupted her, jolting her back to the reality the two were living.

“But I can’t forgive you either.” Her green eyes flicked back to Julia with a coldness Julia wasn’t familiar with. The look was enough to force her line of sight to the road and stun her to silence.

The car ride continued as so, the quiet broken once or twice for Kady to mumble an instruction of where to turn next like Julia could have somehow forgotten where the girl lived.

Julia stopped at the familiar apartment complex and pushed the gearshift into park, allowing her hand to linger there as if it could keep Kady from leaving so soon.

“Thanks for the ride.” Kady let a hand find the door handle, keeping one gripped tightly against her side.

“It was no problem.”

There was so much left for Julia to say, and by the way Kady’s hand hadn’t moved to open the door, Julia assumed the girl was waiting to hear it.

“I’m sorry. For everything that’s happened— to you, to Penny,” Julia managed, despite the lump that burned in her throat. Kady pursed her lips, nodding profusely as if she already knew of Julia’s regrets. Julia swore she saw tears welling at the corners of the girl’s eyes, but couldn’t confirm the sight due to the tears pooling in her own vision.

“Take care of yourself,” Kady said, more of an order than a suggestion.

Julia nodded then, as well. “Okay, you too.”

“Okay.”

“Alright.” Julia couldn’t stop the sad smile from tugging at her lips. Because, once again, she was remembering the way things once were, when the silence at the end of their conversations spoke loudly of the desire that neither of them held to leave one another. And just like before, butterflies erupted inside Julia at the way their gazes refused to tear away from one another.

Until Kady finally looked away and pushed open the car door, stepping out with caution as to not irritate the wound on her side.

Julia watched until Kady was safely inside before blinking the growing tears down her cheeks and wiping them away with the back of her hand.

She drew in a steadying breath and started her car back down the road to her own apartment.

Julia thought maybe she could grow content with that being their final conversation— because if the two never saw each other again, at least Julia would have the reassurance that they had left each other on terms far less unpleasant than what had come before.

She felt somehow lighter in a way, like she could finally breathe again— like the weight on her shoulders had finally lifted, the guilt twisting her stomach finally settling to a mere twinge.

A twinge Julia could live with.

She fell asleep that night without the crutch of alcohol to help her get there.

And she woke up the next day with sparks erupting from the tips of her fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aw closure. 
> 
> and i swear this is the end now. 
> 
> please leave me some comments and kudos bc i love them and actually sustain myself on validation alone so uh yeah!
> 
> come yell about s3 and its current wickoff-deficiency with me on twitter @bestbltches and on tumblr @magicianstextposts 
> 
> thanks for reading!


End file.
